Nu Uh

You know, lately, I haven't been nearly as frustrated at the customers at my establishment. I mean, sure, there are plenty of them that are completely clueless to the point of being hilarious, but none that were really that memorable for me. Except for last night. Last night, I nearly ran after a man to smash his face into the floor (yes, a bit harsh, but that is what I felt).

So I'm on bar and I hear a man walk up, my co-worker was turned around for a second so I greeted him. From this first interaction with him, he already seemed like a snooty (for lack of a better word) customer. So he orders. I'm really good at listening, so I'm pretty sure this is verbatim.

His order: "i would like two shots of espresso in a tall cup with about (demonstrates with his fingers) 3oz of steamed soy"
Simple, right? Really sir, that is two ounces short of being a small soy latte, but whatever. So I'm making his drink and I ask him if he wants froth and he says "yeah! sure". So here I am, about to pour a legit 3 ounces of soy into his two shots when I hear him exclaim loudly,
"UH UH UH UH UH!"
"Yes?"
"I need to pour the soy in myself"
"Ok, do you want me to just give you a separate cup?"
"Yes, I'm very picky about how much I want in there."
"Ok, well here you go, did you need a lid for that?"
"No"
about 30 seconds later...
"Excuse, but I need a lid for mt ESPRESSO"

He left after that but I was about ready to hop the bar, tackle him and punch him til he bled (think "A Christmas Story"). Let me count the ways this transaction was wrong on his part:
1. do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to the employees at this establishment as if they are your 4 year old child. That does not get results. That makes adults want to punch you.
2. When you order that specifically (with THREE ounces of STEAMED soy) and neglect to say you have to do it yourself, the employees are inclined to make it as you have asked.
3. When asked if you want a lid, accept it if you already know you want one. Please don't bother us as we are cleaning to ask that question. I should've just said "Sorry, lost your chance at receiving a lid at this moment. Please try again in 20 minutes."

I at least gave him half-caf when I first saw/heard his order. I only wish I had given his pretentious little ass full on decaf. Oh, regrets.

Save the inuendos for you bedroom, please!

More often than I'd like, many men have made unnecessary sexual innuendos. Oh, don't get me wrong, there have been women too (geez, the amount of "That's what she said" jokes said by us behind the counter are through the roof), but the men...oh...the men...they have made some memorable moments. I'll start with today. A man came through the drive-thru and said it was his first experience at our establishment. He then followed it with a "I'm a virgin...so be gentle..." in a slightly less-than-normal tone. Not bad. Except for the awkward faces and the "Did you make it with looooove?" comment. But really, that is not the worst one. I'm actually surprised I haven't told this tale. Once upon a time....ok, just kidding...this is an actual drive-thru conversation. (I'm skipping to the good part)

Customer: Yeah, and can I get a slice of banana bread with that?
Me: Really? Are you sure?
Customer: Well, what would you recommend?
Me: Well we have a really good almond peach bread that's moist, like a pineapple-upside down cake. It's probably my favorite right now.
Customer: Well, I like moist things......
Me: Uh..sir, I don't like the direction this conversation is going so we'll have your total at the window.
(at this point, the other girl I was working with is laughing in a slightly disgusted way. I proceed to ask her to take his money and hand him his purchases because I'm grossed out. But naturally, I am curious to put a face to the comment so I nonchalantly walk past the window. Of course, it it not some sexy Brad Pitt look-a-like...it is a grade-A creeper.)

Oh, the things I do and the people I deal with for this job. I'm lucky I love my co-workers, otherwise I would've left a long time ago.

Herp Derp.

Occasionally we offer a coupon for a BOGO or a $2 medium drink or something like that. But it is a coupon. It is not an event. Just like any other coupon, you have to give proof that you have it either by showing it to us on your phone or bringing the physical coupon. It even says on the bottom "Print out or show on your phone". So why do people think they can get it without showing me either one? Sure, if you know about it then you've received the coupon and I may just be nice and give it to you...if you tell me about it before you order. Tonight, I had a customer who didn't understand this, apparently. Here is how it went:

Me: Hey what can I get for you?
Customer: A medium hot mocha.
Me: Ok, a medium hot mocha. I will have your total for you at the window (because I was busy making drinks and wasn't able to get to a register to get the price)
Me: Hey. That will be 3.98.
(customer has an awkward look on her face and hands me card.)
Me: Do you need a receipt?
Customer: No
(I close the window and swipe her card and get her receipt)
Me: (handing her everything) Here you go.
Customer: I thought medium drinks were $2?
Me: They are only if you present us with a coupon either printed or on your phone.
Customer:....uh...oh....well it's FINE I guess... (drives off)

What I don't get is why a red flag didn't go up BEFORE I swiped her card. I told her the total at the window and was there long enough for her to mention that...but NO, it didn't dawn on her until after I had run the transaction through. Sorry, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to get you two dollars back. Especially since she used a card. I MIGHT have been willing to give it to her for $2 if she hadn't been such a herp derp, but frankly, I'm tired of everything. And this month, at least, I'm gonna need you all to keep the herp derp to a very very small minimum.

Scent of a (wo)Man

I may have touched on this before, but many of our customers last night reminded me of it.

LAY OFF THE COLOGNE/PERFUME!

I shouldn't be able to smell you before you even walk inside. I shouldn't be able to smell you while I'm doing dishes in the back...I shouldn't be able to smell you when I come back up front and you've already left the building. And if you choose to do this, please do not stand directly at the end of the bar waiting for you drink. I'll just follow the perfumed road to your chair. It's best this way.

The Fresh Prince

A customer the other day asked me how long our coffee had been sitting there. I stated (honestly) it had been there for 42 minutes and that we do not let it sit out for more than 1 hour. He replied with a disappointed "oh" and proceeded to order a mocha instead. What he didn't realize was that it was all part of my plan to get him to order a drink that was twice as much...ok. No, that wasn't my plan at all....

Saying something like that makes you sound like a pretentious prick and makes me less inclined to like you.

A few hours later he came back in, had the same question. This time the answer was that it was only 25 minutes old (again, truth). He said, "Oh, well that is ok then. After 30 minutes, the coffee is cold). Hold up...wait a minute. REWIND. So this has nothing to do with being stale or taste or anything? You insist that it is cold? In case you didn't notice, these urns are airtight in order to keep the coffee hot and fresh. There is a reason why we are able to have it for an hour. Heck, when you rinse those out in the morning, the water is still piping hot...and it has been in there for 8 hours. So sir, I don't know what you're talking about. Sorry your coffeepot doesn't keep your coffee hot, but keep in mind that is glass, uninsulated, and not airtight.

I got a complicated order!

I had a dream last night--nightmare, actually, that I was at work on a busy, busy day and the phone rang. So I go to pick up the phone (although, I remember using my headset for this, not the phone).

This is how the dreamland phonecall went: (actually, I don't even remember speaking first upon answering)

Customer: I'd like a decaf coffee...(1 minute pause while you can hear her talking in the background) with SF vanilla...aaaaand cream...
Me: Ok, what else for you..
Customer: (slightly indistinct chattering in the background) *male voice* uh, EARL GREY! *female voice* do you have like that cup? you know, um, oh, maybe I like that one. Hey do you guys have t-shirts?
Me: No, what exactly are you looking for?
Customer: (talking to each other) oh, that one is kind of nice, but I don't know.
(at this point, about 10 minutes have passed)
Me: So you are just getting an Earl Grey and a large decaf coffee with sf vanilla and cream?
Customer: Uhm, yes? But wait

and then, I woke up. For real. Moral of the story is this, if you ever find yourself trying to do this, I will throw poopy diapers at your face then ask that you leave. I didn't realize how much work affects me sometimes. First of all, I hope you would not call just to have us make you a decaf coffee with cream and vanilla and an earl grey. You can wait the 30 seconds it will take to prepare those when you get up to the counter. Secondly, if you are looking at the website with the merchandise, order it off there. The same stuff isn't always in stores. If you want instant gratification, then by all means come into a store and peruse the merch.

Muggles.

I just really wanted to name this post muggles because all I could think about was Harry Potter's uncle and how much this customer really reminds me of him: large, unpleasant, and always trying to get something for nothing.

We have this customer who is just an unpleasant person. Period. My first experience with her, she got complained about how we didn't have Diet Coke and how she hated the drink she got. I apologized and told her if she wanted something done about that she could write to the head of the company and voice her opinion. Later on that same evening, she inquired about working at our establishment. He reason for this? She lived close. Nevermind the fact that she is mean, unpleasant, and honestly...couldn't ever keep up. After this encounter with her, I didn't see her all that much...until the last few weeks or so.

This woman spends more time in our shop than most of the people that work there. I have seen her come in there at 8am, leave for a bit and come back and stay til close. A lot of the closers have complained about how she takes 15 minutes to pack up and does it after we've closed, but I hadn't had a problem with her...until recently. First of all, I normally don't have a problem with people who come in there just for the internet every once in a while....but damn woman! You practically live there. The kicker? She comes up to the end of the bar with her stupid cup and just stands there holding her cup out. Every time, I want to slap her cup out of her hands and walk away. She thinks she is entitled to everything, it seems. But she doesn't buy much of anything except for some food here and a drink there. Not enough to warrant her staying there for so long and spreading out her crap everywhere (including her crackers and 2 liter of Diet Pepsi).

The other night, as I was closing with a fellow co-worker, we gave the usual 5-minutes-to-close warning. She sat there talking with someone. Forever. THEN at 10pm, she took it upon herself to take a 10-minute long poop, forcing us to wait for her. Then she had to pack up. Which took forever. THEN she left and sat her bag of trash on top of the trashcan, not bothering to push it down. All I could think about doing was shoving that bag of trash down her throat. I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable behavior for anyone, but especially for someone who doesn't even help our business. A few nights later, I was thrown over the edge. After telling her we close at 10, then giving her a 10 minute warning, I see she has not moved or started packing up her stuff. I walked (maybe even stomped) in there and very sternly said "Ma'am, we are now closed and you need to pack up your stuff and get out." and with that, I turned out almost all the lights and went in the back.

I'm hoping she is now afraid of my wrath. Too bad I can't just take out my wand and say "STUPEFY!". Wouldn't want the muggles to find out about my powers....