Scent of a (wo)Man

I may have touched on this before, but many of our customers last night reminded me of it.

LAY OFF THE COLOGNE/PERFUME!

I shouldn't be able to smell you before you even walk inside. I shouldn't be able to smell you while I'm doing dishes in the back...I shouldn't be able to smell you when I come back up front and you've already left the building. And if you choose to do this, please do not stand directly at the end of the bar waiting for you drink. I'll just follow the perfumed road to your chair. It's best this way.

The Fresh Prince

A customer the other day asked me how long our coffee had been sitting there. I stated (honestly) it had been there for 42 minutes and that we do not let it sit out for more than 1 hour. He replied with a disappointed "oh" and proceeded to order a mocha instead. What he didn't realize was that it was all part of my plan to get him to order a drink that was twice as much...ok. No, that wasn't my plan at all....

Saying something like that makes you sound like a pretentious prick and makes me less inclined to like you.

A few hours later he came back in, had the same question. This time the answer was that it was only 25 minutes old (again, truth). He said, "Oh, well that is ok then. After 30 minutes, the coffee is cold). Hold up...wait a minute. REWIND. So this has nothing to do with being stale or taste or anything? You insist that it is cold? In case you didn't notice, these urns are airtight in order to keep the coffee hot and fresh. There is a reason why we are able to have it for an hour. Heck, when you rinse those out in the morning, the water is still piping hot...and it has been in there for 8 hours. So sir, I don't know what you're talking about. Sorry your coffeepot doesn't keep your coffee hot, but keep in mind that is glass, uninsulated, and not airtight.

I got a complicated order!

I had a dream last night--nightmare, actually, that I was at work on a busy, busy day and the phone rang. So I go to pick up the phone (although, I remember using my headset for this, not the phone).

This is how the dreamland phonecall went: (actually, I don't even remember speaking first upon answering)

Customer: I'd like a decaf coffee...(1 minute pause while you can hear her talking in the background) with SF vanilla...aaaaand cream...
Me: Ok, what else for you..
Customer: (slightly indistinct chattering in the background) *male voice* uh, EARL GREY! *female voice* do you have like that cup? you know, um, oh, maybe I like that one. Hey do you guys have t-shirts?
Me: No, what exactly are you looking for?
Customer: (talking to each other) oh, that one is kind of nice, but I don't know.
(at this point, about 10 minutes have passed)
Me: So you are just getting an Earl Grey and a large decaf coffee with sf vanilla and cream?
Customer: Uhm, yes? But wait

and then, I woke up. For real. Moral of the story is this, if you ever find yourself trying to do this, I will throw poopy diapers at your face then ask that you leave. I didn't realize how much work affects me sometimes. First of all, I hope you would not call just to have us make you a decaf coffee with cream and vanilla and an earl grey. You can wait the 30 seconds it will take to prepare those when you get up to the counter. Secondly, if you are looking at the website with the merchandise, order it off there. The same stuff isn't always in stores. If you want instant gratification, then by all means come into a store and peruse the merch.

Muggles.

I just really wanted to name this post muggles because all I could think about was Harry Potter's uncle and how much this customer really reminds me of him: large, unpleasant, and always trying to get something for nothing.

We have this customer who is just an unpleasant person. Period. My first experience with her, she got complained about how we didn't have Diet Coke and how she hated the drink she got. I apologized and told her if she wanted something done about that she could write to the head of the company and voice her opinion. Later on that same evening, she inquired about working at our establishment. He reason for this? She lived close. Nevermind the fact that she is mean, unpleasant, and honestly...couldn't ever keep up. After this encounter with her, I didn't see her all that much...until the last few weeks or so.

This woman spends more time in our shop than most of the people that work there. I have seen her come in there at 8am, leave for a bit and come back and stay til close. A lot of the closers have complained about how she takes 15 minutes to pack up and does it after we've closed, but I hadn't had a problem with her...until recently. First of all, I normally don't have a problem with people who come in there just for the internet every once in a while....but damn woman! You practically live there. The kicker? She comes up to the end of the bar with her stupid cup and just stands there holding her cup out. Every time, I want to slap her cup out of her hands and walk away. She thinks she is entitled to everything, it seems. But she doesn't buy much of anything except for some food here and a drink there. Not enough to warrant her staying there for so long and spreading out her crap everywhere (including her crackers and 2 liter of Diet Pepsi).

The other night, as I was closing with a fellow co-worker, we gave the usual 5-minutes-to-close warning. She sat there talking with someone. Forever. THEN at 10pm, she took it upon herself to take a 10-minute long poop, forcing us to wait for her. Then she had to pack up. Which took forever. THEN she left and sat her bag of trash on top of the trashcan, not bothering to push it down. All I could think about doing was shoving that bag of trash down her throat. I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable behavior for anyone, but especially for someone who doesn't even help our business. A few nights later, I was thrown over the edge. After telling her we close at 10, then giving her a 10 minute warning, I see she has not moved or started packing up her stuff. I walked (maybe even stomped) in there and very sternly said "Ma'am, we are now closed and you need to pack up your stuff and get out." and with that, I turned out almost all the lights and went in the back.

I'm hoping she is now afraid of my wrath. Too bad I can't just take out my wand and say "STUPEFY!". Wouldn't want the muggles to find out about my powers....

VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

The following is a prime example of how the people in the world of retail are starting to revolt against pretentious customers:

(in the form of a letter to a customer)

Dear complete asshole customer that forgot your debit card because you were on the phone and came back 2 hours later accusing me of stealing it,

It was in my drawer, but now it's in the trash can.

Love,
Employee

Now, I hope we have all learned a little lesson in being nice to the retail employees. Go forth and conquer!

Almost There

I'm fresh off a short morning shift and couldn't resist telling this story. So I happen to pick up a headset call this morning for one of the most indecisive women of the day.  It went a little like this:

Me: Hey what can I do for you today?
Customer: Uh, I'm not sure yet.
M: Ok take your time, let me know when you're ready.
(45 seconds pass in complete silence)
M: You have any questions about anything?
C: No, almost there.
(not quite sure I heard her right, at the time, so I didn't respond)
(another 45 seconds pass)
C: Almost there!
M: Are you sure you don't have any questions?
C: Almost there!
(at this point, I've understood her and am baffled as to whether or not she is talking to me...or finishing up, *ahem* something.)

Really that was it. I mean, she ordered and everything, but that was it. It was quite the curious interaction and it made me nervous. Who says "almost there" in a drive-thru? It sounds almost as though she was having a sexual act performed on her. There....I said it.

In other news, it was crazy busy today and it made me want to stomp on 2 day old kittens. A lot of smart-asses and dumb-asses should be enjoying some headaches later.

Who serves coffee in a coffeeshop?

I answered a headset call the other day only to hear the first words out of the lady's mouth as follows, "Do ya'll serve coffee here?" And I know she is not blind because she wouldn't be driving if she were, so it rules that out. I just wonder what runs through a person's mind when they say something like that. And then I think, maybe I SHOULDN'T give her decaf because she obviously needs caffeine to function on the simplest level in society. We wouldn't want to unleash that kind of stupid onto everyone else...would we?