ch-ch-ch-changes

Rule number 8: Save your bag full of change for when you're inside.

What made you think that it was ok to pay for a 5 dollar drink with a ton of change? A ton of change that did not include quarters...? You do realize you won't get your drink until I count every last penny you gave me, right? If you did this to try and jip me a few dimes, you are sadly mistaken. And next time I see you, I'll make sure you get decaf.

For the record, I'm not that heartless, I mean, if it is a TWO dollar drink then I can handle that. Also, if it is all quarters, I'm also mostly ok with that. Its the people who pull up and count out every penny they have so they won't have to use those dollar bills I just saw in their wallet, or even the 10 quarters that are in their purse. If you don't like having a ton of change, get it rolled and cash it in. It is quite the simple concept, you know.

you decide.

Instead of beginning with a rule, in honor of Thanksgiving, I will start with how my Thanksgiving started.

I opened this morning and about around, say, 7:45am, the store gets a phone call. This is what went down:

Me: What can I do for you today?
Man: Yeah, this is James (named changed for anonymity....ish.) I need one of those coffee boxes to take home. Dark roast. Yeah, and I also need just a box of bakery. You guys have muffins? Oh, and throw in some cheese danish too!---(I'd like you to know we don't carry those.)--
Me: Alright. Yes, we have 3 kinds of muffins available today, how many of each kind do you want?
Man: I don't have time to think about that right now! Just whatever. I'll be there in 5 minutes.

tick tock. tick tock.

James walks in. How did I know? Well, for one, I'd recognize that creepy, loud voice anywhere. And two, I'd recognize the walk of a man who says they don't have time to think about how many of something they would like to purchase.

So my co-worker goes to prepare a bakery box and asks James how many of each thing he wants. This is basically the conversation that followed:

James: I don't know. Just whatever.
Co-worker: Well, I don't want to give you 5 bakery items and then you have 20 people there to give them to. Or vice versa, I don't want to give you 20 bakery for only 5 people. So what do you want? How about I just see how many items I can fit in one box?
James: Sure, whatever. They are all fat.
Co-worker: (with a somewhat shocked look on her face) Well...it IS Thanksgiving.
James: Yeah, they're still all fat. Everyone is fat.

When something like this goes down, there are two things to keep in mind:
1) You will be given the most expensive bakery we have.
and 2) You will be given decaf if you order an espresso-based drink.

And to James, I say: I hope someone in your family slashes your tires, because you, sir, are a douche-bag.

Moo.

Rule number 7: Don't be an interrupting cow.

No one likes to be interrupted. Period. So why do you find it necessary to interrupt me when I am about to explain something to you? I anticipated your needs and questions and decided to go ahead and explain. Why would you EVER think to interrupt me in doing so? You just need to hear yourself speak? Because that is what I'm gathering.

Today, I had the worst interrupting cow ever. Here's how it went

Me: Hey, what can I get start--
Customer: I want a caramel mocha. (long enough pause for me to begin to ask what size and then she interrupted me again) LARGE!
Me: Ok, so that's a Large caramel mo--
Customer: Um, can I like get that blended though? I want it blended.
Me: Ok, so we have a Large caramel mocha blended. Anythin--
Customer: Does that have 3 shots of espresso in it? Because like at Starbucks someone once told me that a grande there is like your medium or something here. Is that, like, true?
Me: Our blended drinks are coffee-based, not espresso based.
C: Um, but are there 3 shots of espresso in there?
M: No, it is coffee-ba--
C: Because like I want the espresso.
M: No it is coffee-based. There is no espresso in---
C: OH! Then I want it, like, hot then. K?

This is nearly verbatim. Likes included. This is why I have gray hair people! IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT! If you would let me explain something, you probably wouldn't have to say anything else except yes or no to confirm your order. Do you understand how this process works? DO YOU?

Thanks, Uncle Sam.

Rule number 6: Know your state's tax. And even if you don't know it, don't argue with me.

The majority of states have tax. You can thank Uncle Sam for that, not me. Therefore, when you purchase something, it will be more then the menu board says. I mean, maybe you've just moved here from Alaska and did not realize that other states have tax. For which I say, shame on you!

Do NOT let this happen to you:

Barista: That'll be $2.59

Customer: But your menu says a small is only $2.35!! You're WRONG!

B: Right, but plus tax, it comes to $2.59.

C: But I only have a $20 or $2.35. I DO NOT HAVE $2.59 (ok, this part has never happened, but it could. People are funny, you know.)

B: Well, any way you look at it, you owe me $2.59 because I just handed you a finished drink and you have already taken a sip from it. So, that'll be $2.59 please.

And even if you actually only had $2.20 in your entire purse/wallet, what made you think that a small caramel latte with an extra shot would be under $2.50? This is America and inflation is our game!

We appreciate your business, but we do not appreciate your stupid.

save it for Helen Keller

(before you guys hate me for the title of this post, I just want you to know I didn't mean it to be derogatory, it just fit.)

Rule number 5: STOP YELLING AT THE DRIVE-THRU BOX!

Drive-thru headsets happen to be right next to our ears. You know, like headphones? So every time you yell, I'm almost positive each one of us with a headset on loses a little bit of hearing. You are contributing to the disintegration of  my ear drums and its components. Hearing aids...HERE I COME!

Think about it this way, when you talk to your friends in your own home, are you yelling the whole time you are speaking (hopefully the answer is no.)? Think of the drive-thru box as your friend you are speaking to and then use that voice previously mentioned. Unless you drive a large truck with a hemi and a diesel engine, you do not need to yell your drive-thru order.

Dane Cook does a wonderful impression of what it sounds like and *GASP!*, I have his video right here:

On the other end of the spectrum, I encourage you NOT to whisper at the drive-thru box. I should not have to ask you to repeat your order because it was inaudible. There is no prize for the person who can say their order the quietest. I'm not sure why you think this is appropriate.

So, let's recap: Stop yelling and stop whispering. Pretend you're talking to one friend in your living room.

its starts with hello

Rule number 4: Acknowledge the presence of the person who is taking orders.

This rule is not coffeeshop specific. It applies to drive-thrus across the world, or at the very least, across the country. So many times I have encountered this:

Me: Hey, what can I get for you today?

Customer: ...............silence.............

Me: Hey! What can I get for you today?

Customer...........silence............

Me: HEY! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!

Customer: Um, helloooooooo (imagine Robin Sparkles saying this.)

That is SO not cool guys. All it takes is a "Hi, just one second PLEASE" (you can't forget the 'please' because then I might hate you), or "Yes, do you have any recommendations? I 'm not sure what I want today" or "Hi, I would like----" It makes us drive-thru people feel a little less like a mental ward (sorry I'm not PC) patient when someone responds to us quickly.

Also, I would like to say, when you pull up to ANY drive-thru, please make sure you are not still on a phone call. Especially not an important business call. You came to us. We did not park a drive-thru box/menu next to your car because we wanted the business and we happened to do it when you were on the phone. Oh. No. You decided to get something on the run. So why not realize that you are doing this and that you need to order. You cannot be on the phone and order at the same time. It just doesn't work that way. Pulling up to the drive-thru box with your window up and a cell phone glued to you ear makes everyone around you hate you. Think about it, we have to sit there listening to the sound of your car in our ear this whole time, and the person who is probably behind you is now going to be late because you apparently thought it was a sittheronyourcellphone-thru.

I'd like to also note that pulling up there while you're on the phone with someone who doesn't know what is offered at that establishment is not a good idea. We don't want to hear you read off the menu to them and wait for you. Just come inside. It saves the world.

And a final note, we can hear your entire conversation. No, I don't want to hear about the pap smear you just told your mom about. I also don't care about Johnny and Mara hooking up last night. Although, sometimes I think I should just join in the conversation, I mean, you guys OBVIOUSLY want me to. Right?....

(P.S. it is a DRIVE-thru. not a WALK-thru.)

acknowledge your surroundings

Rule number 3 and probably the most important rule: know your sizes. your NORMAL sizes.

Let me elaborate. About 98% of the coffeehouses in the country function with sizes that everyone can relate to: Small, Medium (sometimes Regular, but that's ok), and Large (there is also the occasional Extra-Large for those who like to indulge society).  I know some like to feel European and high society by saying Tall, Grande, or Venti...but I don't think they really understand those sizes, at least not in relation to somewhere besides Starbucks. Even in relation to Starbucks. I think most people stand there looking at the menu and think, "Which size word sounds the best today? Hmmmm, Venti. I don't know what that is, but I think it sounds like a Venti kind of day. " And you know what? That is fine if you think that way. If you go to Starbucks. 

Try to avoid conversations like this with your barista (they may slap you in the face...mentally, I mean.):

Barista: Hey, what can I do for you today?

Customer: Uh, yeah, I'd like a Grande Quad Latte

B: Ok, is that a Large latte, extra shot?

C: NO! IT'S A SMALL! WITH FOUR SHOTS! GEEZ!

B: (thinks to herself) It's decaf for you, sir.

or this:

(actual conversation)

Barista: Hey, what can I get going for you?

Customer: I need* a medium coffee and then a....tall caramel latte.

B: Ok, a medium coffee and a small caramel latte?

C: TALL. I SAID TALL!..

B: Right, and we have sizes Small, Medium, and Large, so which one would you like?

C: IT'S MEDIUM.

B: Ok, please pull around.

*Try to avoid the use of "need" and "gimme" when you are ordering a coffee. Again, that is a different story.*

You really just sound like an idiot when you argue with someone who is CLEARLY right. It also makes that person a lot less likely to want to be nice to you. And when a barista decides not to be nice anymore, you better watch out. We have the power here. We really do. So please, take those five extra seconds to realize that after your drink description on the menu, there are sizes that you need to use. I mean, what were you doing standing there for five minutes with your mouth open, staring at the same menu board? 

And with that, I'll leave you with a quote from Role Models:

"No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages."

if you don't slow down, you might miss something important

Rule number 2: Don’t drive off before I’ve finished repeating your order and giving you a total.

I work the drive-thru. A lot. So this happens to me. A lot. Frankly, its rude. If you wait those two precious seconds, it will save me and my co-workers precious time and money. “How?” you ask? Well it is simple: I repeat your order so I know I have it right. I know I’m perfect, but sometimes I misunderstand the words coming out of your mouth.  Ipso facto, if I ring in something wrong, my fellow barista will make it wrong and then, by the time it gets to you, it is wrong. In conclusion, we have to make a brand new drink and throw out that drink. You see? You see how you need to wait just two seconds? YOU SEE?  THE RECESSION OF THIS COUNTRY IS ALL YOUR FAULT BECAUSE YOU COULDN’T WAIT TWO SECONDS TO CONFIRM YOUR ORDER!

Ok, that’s not true. But it could be.

Also, I don’t like overrings. You shouldn’t either.

I would like to recount a story from the other day (cue wavy dream lines and the ‘deedily-dees’ a la Wayne’s World.)  I was taking an order from a man and this was the actual progression of conversation:

Me: “Hey, what can I get for you today?”
Sir: “Um a mocha with caramel.”
Me: “Ok, what size would you like?”
Sir: “Um, Large..?”
Me: “Ok, so we have a Large caramel mocha, is there anything else?”
Sir: “No that’s—”……silence…..

That was the last I heard from him. Until he pulled up to the window, paid, and drove off without his drink. We didn’t hear from him for another six minutes or so (yes, I counted). It really took you THAT long to realize the five and a half dollar coffee drink you just paid for was not in your possession? Stop and smell the roses, because if you don’t, you REALLY might miss something….like your expensive coffee drink.

keep the line moving....

Rule Number 1 for coffeeshop goers: Always say what you mean. I am not a psychic.

I don’t want to have to remake your drink because you “assumed” it was only made cold. When you assume, it makes an ass out of you and me. Mostly you, because  it is your fault. Also, when you just say “I need a latte,” my psychic abilities tell me that you mean Large (no. not Venti–but that’s a different story) and that you want vanilla flavoring in it (because, really, vanilla flavoring makes life better).

So, in recap: yes, I may know everything but no, I am not psychic.

Brave New World.....

I’ve been working in coffeeshops since I was 20. I am now 25. You do the math. I’ve worked in three completely different coffeeshop environments but at every one, I experienced the same customers–those who think Starbucks runs the world.  So I thought, “Why not start a blog where baristas of the world can laugh at this. Heck, even the customers can laugh at this.” Now here I am, creating a blog dedicated to the trials and tribulations of being a barista.

Oh. I briefly started out on Blog.com, but then I switched to blogger.com. It's waaaaay cooler (that, and it is a lot easier to use.).