Save the inuendos for you bedroom, please!

More often than I'd like, many men have made unnecessary sexual innuendos. Oh, don't get me wrong, there have been women too (geez, the amount of "That's what she said" jokes said by us behind the counter are through the roof), but the men...oh...the men...they have made some memorable moments. I'll start with today. A man came through the drive-thru and said it was his first experience at our establishment. He then followed it with a "I'm a virgin...so be gentle..." in a slightly less-than-normal tone. Not bad. Except for the awkward faces and the "Did you make it with looooove?" comment. But really, that is not the worst one. I'm actually surprised I haven't told this tale. Once upon a time....ok, just kidding...this is an actual drive-thru conversation. (I'm skipping to the good part)

Customer: Yeah, and can I get a slice of banana bread with that?
Me: Really? Are you sure?
Customer: Well, what would you recommend?
Me: Well we have a really good almond peach bread that's moist, like a pineapple-upside down cake. It's probably my favorite right now.
Customer: Well, I like moist things......
Me: Uh..sir, I don't like the direction this conversation is going so we'll have your total at the window.
(at this point, the other girl I was working with is laughing in a slightly disgusted way. I proceed to ask her to take his money and hand him his purchases because I'm grossed out. But naturally, I am curious to put a face to the comment so I nonchalantly walk past the window. Of course, it it not some sexy Brad Pitt look-a-like...it is a grade-A creeper.)

Oh, the things I do and the people I deal with for this job. I'm lucky I love my co-workers, otherwise I would've left a long time ago.

Herp Derp.

Occasionally we offer a coupon for a BOGO or a $2 medium drink or something like that. But it is a coupon. It is not an event. Just like any other coupon, you have to give proof that you have it either by showing it to us on your phone or bringing the physical coupon. It even says on the bottom "Print out or show on your phone". So why do people think they can get it without showing me either one? Sure, if you know about it then you've received the coupon and I may just be nice and give it to you...if you tell me about it before you order. Tonight, I had a customer who didn't understand this, apparently. Here is how it went:

Me: Hey what can I get for you?
Customer: A medium hot mocha.
Me: Ok, a medium hot mocha. I will have your total for you at the window (because I was busy making drinks and wasn't able to get to a register to get the price)
Me: Hey. That will be 3.98.
(customer has an awkward look on her face and hands me card.)
Me: Do you need a receipt?
Customer: No
(I close the window and swipe her card and get her receipt)
Me: (handing her everything) Here you go.
Customer: I thought medium drinks were $2?
Me: They are only if you present us with a coupon either printed or on your phone.
Customer:....uh...oh....well it's FINE I guess... (drives off)

What I don't get is why a red flag didn't go up BEFORE I swiped her card. I told her the total at the window and was there long enough for her to mention that...but NO, it didn't dawn on her until after I had run the transaction through. Sorry, but I'm not going to bend over backwards to get you two dollars back. Especially since she used a card. I MIGHT have been willing to give it to her for $2 if she hadn't been such a herp derp, but frankly, I'm tired of everything. And this month, at least, I'm gonna need you all to keep the herp derp to a very very small minimum.

Scent of a (wo)Man

I may have touched on this before, but many of our customers last night reminded me of it.

LAY OFF THE COLOGNE/PERFUME!

I shouldn't be able to smell you before you even walk inside. I shouldn't be able to smell you while I'm doing dishes in the back...I shouldn't be able to smell you when I come back up front and you've already left the building. And if you choose to do this, please do not stand directly at the end of the bar waiting for you drink. I'll just follow the perfumed road to your chair. It's best this way.

The Fresh Prince

A customer the other day asked me how long our coffee had been sitting there. I stated (honestly) it had been there for 42 minutes and that we do not let it sit out for more than 1 hour. He replied with a disappointed "oh" and proceeded to order a mocha instead. What he didn't realize was that it was all part of my plan to get him to order a drink that was twice as much...ok. No, that wasn't my plan at all....

Saying something like that makes you sound like a pretentious prick and makes me less inclined to like you.

A few hours later he came back in, had the same question. This time the answer was that it was only 25 minutes old (again, truth). He said, "Oh, well that is ok then. After 30 minutes, the coffee is cold). Hold up...wait a minute. REWIND. So this has nothing to do with being stale or taste or anything? You insist that it is cold? In case you didn't notice, these urns are airtight in order to keep the coffee hot and fresh. There is a reason why we are able to have it for an hour. Heck, when you rinse those out in the morning, the water is still piping hot...and it has been in there for 8 hours. So sir, I don't know what you're talking about. Sorry your coffeepot doesn't keep your coffee hot, but keep in mind that is glass, uninsulated, and not airtight.

I got a complicated order!

I had a dream last night--nightmare, actually, that I was at work on a busy, busy day and the phone rang. So I go to pick up the phone (although, I remember using my headset for this, not the phone).

This is how the dreamland phonecall went: (actually, I don't even remember speaking first upon answering)

Customer: I'd like a decaf coffee...(1 minute pause while you can hear her talking in the background) with SF vanilla...aaaaand cream...
Me: Ok, what else for you..
Customer: (slightly indistinct chattering in the background) *male voice* uh, EARL GREY! *female voice* do you have like that cup? you know, um, oh, maybe I like that one. Hey do you guys have t-shirts?
Me: No, what exactly are you looking for?
Customer: (talking to each other) oh, that one is kind of nice, but I don't know.
(at this point, about 10 minutes have passed)
Me: So you are just getting an Earl Grey and a large decaf coffee with sf vanilla and cream?
Customer: Uhm, yes? But wait

and then, I woke up. For real. Moral of the story is this, if you ever find yourself trying to do this, I will throw poopy diapers at your face then ask that you leave. I didn't realize how much work affects me sometimes. First of all, I hope you would not call just to have us make you a decaf coffee with cream and vanilla and an earl grey. You can wait the 30 seconds it will take to prepare those when you get up to the counter. Secondly, if you are looking at the website with the merchandise, order it off there. The same stuff isn't always in stores. If you want instant gratification, then by all means come into a store and peruse the merch.

Muggles.

I just really wanted to name this post muggles because all I could think about was Harry Potter's uncle and how much this customer really reminds me of him: large, unpleasant, and always trying to get something for nothing.

We have this customer who is just an unpleasant person. Period. My first experience with her, she got complained about how we didn't have Diet Coke and how she hated the drink she got. I apologized and told her if she wanted something done about that she could write to the head of the company and voice her opinion. Later on that same evening, she inquired about working at our establishment. He reason for this? She lived close. Nevermind the fact that she is mean, unpleasant, and honestly...couldn't ever keep up. After this encounter with her, I didn't see her all that much...until the last few weeks or so.

This woman spends more time in our shop than most of the people that work there. I have seen her come in there at 8am, leave for a bit and come back and stay til close. A lot of the closers have complained about how she takes 15 minutes to pack up and does it after we've closed, but I hadn't had a problem with her...until recently. First of all, I normally don't have a problem with people who come in there just for the internet every once in a while....but damn woman! You practically live there. The kicker? She comes up to the end of the bar with her stupid cup and just stands there holding her cup out. Every time, I want to slap her cup out of her hands and walk away. She thinks she is entitled to everything, it seems. But she doesn't buy much of anything except for some food here and a drink there. Not enough to warrant her staying there for so long and spreading out her crap everywhere (including her crackers and 2 liter of Diet Pepsi).

The other night, as I was closing with a fellow co-worker, we gave the usual 5-minutes-to-close warning. She sat there talking with someone. Forever. THEN at 10pm, she took it upon herself to take a 10-minute long poop, forcing us to wait for her. Then she had to pack up. Which took forever. THEN she left and sat her bag of trash on top of the trashcan, not bothering to push it down. All I could think about doing was shoving that bag of trash down her throat. I'm sorry, but that is unacceptable behavior for anyone, but especially for someone who doesn't even help our business. A few nights later, I was thrown over the edge. After telling her we close at 10, then giving her a 10 minute warning, I see she has not moved or started packing up her stuff. I walked (maybe even stomped) in there and very sternly said "Ma'am, we are now closed and you need to pack up your stuff and get out." and with that, I turned out almost all the lights and went in the back.

I'm hoping she is now afraid of my wrath. Too bad I can't just take out my wand and say "STUPEFY!". Wouldn't want the muggles to find out about my powers....

VIVA LA REVOLUCION!

The following is a prime example of how the people in the world of retail are starting to revolt against pretentious customers:

(in the form of a letter to a customer)

Dear complete asshole customer that forgot your debit card because you were on the phone and came back 2 hours later accusing me of stealing it,

It was in my drawer, but now it's in the trash can.

Love,
Employee

Now, I hope we have all learned a little lesson in being nice to the retail employees. Go forth and conquer!

Almost There

I'm fresh off a short morning shift and couldn't resist telling this story. So I happen to pick up a headset call this morning for one of the most indecisive women of the day.  It went a little like this:

Me: Hey what can I do for you today?
Customer: Uh, I'm not sure yet.
M: Ok take your time, let me know when you're ready.
(45 seconds pass in complete silence)
M: You have any questions about anything?
C: No, almost there.
(not quite sure I heard her right, at the time, so I didn't respond)
(another 45 seconds pass)
C: Almost there!
M: Are you sure you don't have any questions?
C: Almost there!
(at this point, I've understood her and am baffled as to whether or not she is talking to me...or finishing up, *ahem* something.)

Really that was it. I mean, she ordered and everything, but that was it. It was quite the curious interaction and it made me nervous. Who says "almost there" in a drive-thru? It sounds almost as though she was having a sexual act performed on her. There....I said it.

In other news, it was crazy busy today and it made me want to stomp on 2 day old kittens. A lot of smart-asses and dumb-asses should be enjoying some headaches later.

Who serves coffee in a coffeeshop?

I answered a headset call the other day only to hear the first words out of the lady's mouth as follows, "Do ya'll serve coffee here?" And I know she is not blind because she wouldn't be driving if she were, so it rules that out. I just wonder what runs through a person's mind when they say something like that. And then I think, maybe I SHOULDN'T give her decaf because she obviously needs caffeine to function on the simplest level in society. We wouldn't want to unleash that kind of stupid onto everyone else...would we?

Derpa Derp

Blended. Blender. Blend. All the same general word. Iced--not the same. So why, I ask, is it so difficult for a person to understand the difference. I have asked many a customer "Did you want that Iced or Blended?" and all too often the response is "I don't understand the difference." Use your noggin. If not to figure out the difference on your own, then to hit it upon your steering wheel for not recognizing the difference in the first place.
I would like to add that often times a customer seems a bit put out by the mass amounts of questions we may ask with your one little drink, but in the end, we do it for you (read: we do it for ourselves). So if I am asking you your chocolate preference, size, hot or cold, etc...please do not drive off in the middle of these questions because frankly I will just refuse to make your drink. No, that's not true. But once again, you WILL get decaf and you will get whatever chocolate I feel like giving you that day and you WILL get it hot. Now normally, if you make that stupid boo-boo of realizing you wanted it over ice cubes, I will remake your drink in it's entirety. But I'm starting to think that you may just deserve a drink that was made hot then poured over ice to water it down immensely, thus ruining the flavor. It is all you deserve.

Either way, enjoy your headache, bitches!

Drinkin' Like a Poor Woman

Recently, a co-worker of mine had an interesting customer experience. That experience was worthy of being documented in this blog.

My co-worker got the pleasure of assisting 2 rich, snobby women. They wanted the sparkling water that we now offer. So my co-worker hands them the bottles and one of the women says "Do you guys have the glass bottles? I like those better." and my co-worker says, "We don't. We recently started carrying them and this is what we were given" The woman then proceeds to ask if we have any glasses she can pour it into you know "Like the one's in that picture?". Naturally, my co-worker says, "No, all we have to offer you is a mug or I can give you a plastic cup if you would like." So of course, the woman takes it. No ice. She merely wants to pour sparkling water in a plastic bottle into a plastic cup. The customer then turns to her friend and says, "Do you want a cup too? I can get her to give you one as well." and her friend says,

"No, I want to drink like a poor woman."

So. Recap. You got a plastic bottle. Poured the same drink into a plastic cup. Way to not save the environment.

She also left her cup and bottle at the end of the bar on the ledge and told her friend to do the same. It is people like her that make me want to quit just so I can tell them off. Seriously, I think I would actually call my boss and quit just so I could tell her off. That would be most rewarding. Also, kudos to my co-worker who managed to not hysterically laugh in their faces.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to drink some water, like a poor woman would.

This isn't a good surprise.

It has come to my attention that it is very difficult for people who use public restrooms to treat them as their own bathrooms. Yeah, there are bathrooms out there in public that are disgusting, get cleaned once a month, and have thousands of people using them. However, in a coffeeshop, this is not the case. In case you didn't notice, that toilet was clean (inside and out) until you put your ass on it and decided to shit against the back of the toilet. Who does that? I mean, is it absolutely necessary to sit that far back against the seat for that to happen? Ok, I understand, coffee gives you the shits. How about you courtesy flush, or flush it a few more times to get the poop off the inside? We won't judge you. It is only until about 6 hours later when I have to scrape it off that I judge you.

Also, it has been noted that some people don't exactly know the location of the flusher, or how to use it. Here is the proper use of the toilet and how to execute a flush. (this is not just for males either.)

Just in case you need it, here is another diagram.

Simple. It's simple, I tell ya. Now go forth and share this nugget of information with the rest of the world!



This ain't Wal Mart

Ok, I understand if you don't like the coffee you bought or the cup you purchased just didn't fit in your car's cupholder, but please, in a morning rush, for the LOVE OF ALL THINGS HOLY, don't change your mind about something you ordered. I'll be more specific, if you order an oatmeal, then decide to add another oatmeal to your order and then pull up to the window and decide you only want ONE of the two oatmeals you ordered, i will punch you. Not really, but I wasted product to make that.  I don't like to waste product.

I have almost no problem with you adding something to your order at the window, e.g. a muffin, an oatmeal, another drink (please limit it at one. kthanks.) but deciding you weren't that hungry right then and causing an overring makes me mad. I really don't care for making oatmeal. It takes up unnecessary  space and time. I'd rather not make two. Get it? Ok. now be gone with you.

Tipping is NOT a place in China.

Yeah. I said it.
*DISCLAIMER*:This is being written out of sheer frustration.

We got a customer survey response back the other day and this is what it read(not verbatim, as i don't have it in front of me): Tips jars should be removed. I'm already paying $5 for my drink, I shouldn't have to tip on top of that.

 It is my (and everyone else's) understanding that tipping is optional. We don't even have a place on a credit card receipt for you to add a tip on your card. Frankly, these tip jars are non-evasive. Is there some little elf running around biting your hand if it does not drop money in the tip jar? (I mean, if you are on certain drugs, maybe there is. In which case, it sounds like there is a deeper issue at hand than the presence of tip jars). I feel like the effort we put in to serving you, keeping the store clean, and cleaning up after you deserves at least a 15% tip. I mean really, just the other day we had to clean up poop off the men's room floor. I think there's a rule somewhere that states, "Thou shalt tip if thoust leaves an unwanted present on the bathroom floor". Do you know how hard I struggle not to put dirt in your cup when you are mean to me? That most certainly deserves a quarter. Or two.

So I started this off about how I'm writing this out of frustration. The frustration did not stem from that comment. No no, I simply laughed at that one. The frustration came from the 5 hours I worked today with fairly steady, even busy traffic most of the time I was there. What do I have to show for it? $3.79 in tips. Frankly, the amount of "Uuuuums" and drink remakes and indecision I dealt with should have gotten me at least $10 in tips. Sounds reasonable to me.

Next time you find yourself ordering a $7 drink, please stop and think about the amount of self-control it takes not to rub some dirt in your cup before handing it to you. Maybe then you'll find yourself tipping.

So this is the new year?

I had to quote Death Cab for a minute there. They are currently playing on the Musak cd we have.

With a new year, you would think the customers would have resolved to be better people...ok. Maybe not better people, but a little easier to deal with, right? Well, these are lies. Blatant lies.

We have a customer who comes in all the time. In the past he always ordered a drink, such as a latte, iced coffee, etc. He would sit for hours on his computer. That's cool. He purchased something and was in here everyday, almost. Suddenly, that changed. Oh, he comes in alright, still sits here for hours but never buys anything. Ok, he buys a diet coke once in a blue moon, but seeing as though blue moons don't occur that often (or ever?) he is now just mooching.

Now that you have a bit of background on him, I will tell you a story....
Once upon a time, two coworkers were closing on a Friday night. One of them, we'll call Wilma. Wilma went out to wipe off tables in the lobby, including the conference room. (Now, keep in mind, the conference room is open to everyone, you just have to keep the doors open. Oh, sure, you can rent to room for around 40 dollars an hour, but if you are just in there studying, I don't recommend doing this because you want peace and quiet.)
So back to the story. Wilma walks over to the conference room to wipe off tables and notices the doors are closed. So she goes to open them and they are locked. She knew for a fact that no one had rented the room and there were only 3 people in there. One woman looks up and gives her this "I don't know" look and so Wilma looks over at the previously mentioned customer (we'll call him Jimmy Neutron) and he looks at Wilma slightly dumbfounded for a second and then unlocks the door. In a nice tone, Wilma proceeds to explain why the doors cannot be closed and locked and Jimmy starts to get defensive. Wilma then walks away.

Later on that evening, Wilma goes in there again to wipe tables and Jimmy is in there by himself.

Jimmy: How much advance notice do you have to give to reserve the room?
Wilma: Well, sir, you can reserve it at anytime, as long as no one else has reserved it. But I will tell you, it is not worth your money to reserve it just for doing work.
Jimmy: Well, it is too loud out there! This is a coffeeshop!
Wilma: Yes, exactly, sir. This is a public place for people to gather. They do not have to be quiet.

Wilma then proceeds to walk off as Jimmy is getting slightly heated and is rambling on. Wilma didn't want to hear his crap anymore, which is why she walked off as this happened. Uh, The End.

So the thing is guys, coffeeshops are not libraries. Don't ever mistake them for libraries. If you want it silent, go to a library and get your work done there. Coffeeshops have no rules that say they have to be quiet, and frankly, I will laugh in your face if you think that. Get a clue and stop trying to get serious work done here that requires peace and quiet. If you walk into my shop with this thinking, I will make your life difficult without you knowing it. And if you're Jimmy and you aren't purchasing anything and you pull this stunt again, I will kick you out. Seriously, my manager gave me permission to do so.